does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
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Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
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I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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