quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
