Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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