Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
