You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
