At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
