Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
