the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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