Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
