Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
