Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
