I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
