my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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