I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
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Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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