Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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