My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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