Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
