Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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