Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
