Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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