I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize