just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
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the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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