My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
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Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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