i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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