I think i peed on brittanys purse
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
