I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
