its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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