Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
