I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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