my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
