Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
