When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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