i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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