I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
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The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
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What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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