in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.