I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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