recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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