Cold hands, warm shart.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
