When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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