Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
