He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
