A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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