This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
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my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We are all done wearing pants today
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