Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
