He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
