He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
His hands were made for my vagina.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
