I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
