He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
