Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Randomize
