i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
