remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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