alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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