just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
