omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
this is an emotional support booty call
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
