my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
