I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
